Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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