I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I did not marry a roomba.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
