My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize