I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Omg I joined a choir last night...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
