So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
