I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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