after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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