I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
