I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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