only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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