Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
the liver wants what the liver wants
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
