I could have mohawked her pubes.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
