My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
