I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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