i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
