she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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