This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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