i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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