I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
