Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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