I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
