Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
