OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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