I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
