theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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