so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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