i jhust puked up my retainher.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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