I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
