I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
