Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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