seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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