I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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