I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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