i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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