Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
