Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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