In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Do you remember whose house we're in?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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