How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
