I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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