Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
