I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
