So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
