i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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