i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
