if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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