it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
