omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
