i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I'm just crazy horny about you
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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