i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
