no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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