yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
